you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
