he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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