She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
