I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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