I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
