I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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