im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
