Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
