Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
