What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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