I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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