if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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