There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My life is pants optional.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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