Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
