he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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