I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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