I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
