the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
