FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
