Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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