Don't you send me to vm
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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