Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
