I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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