I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
