the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
