god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
