I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
