the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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