When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
