I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
