your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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