im drinking this country out of the recession.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
