you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
