I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
