I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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