lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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