I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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