your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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