I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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