two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
