Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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