took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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