i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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