im drinking this country out of the recession.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
