I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
