Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
