Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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