I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
