3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
