A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's the barista slut.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
